“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson
Who is a Divorce Ceremony for?
One important aim of a Divorce Ceremony is to bring your separation out into the open and find words to express the loss so that, especially your children, but also other members of your extended family, can process the situation and talk about it, rather than keeping everything inside or taking sides in a kind of “War of the Roses”.
It can also reassure your children that you, as their parents, will always be there for them, even though you are no longer married to each other.
It can be the first step towards accepting a new family arrangement, a new partner, a move to another house, or simply an opportunity to set the record straight and be honest with one another.
Marking a transition to a new life
A DivorceCeremony can publicly mark a transition from married life to a new chapter, and help everybody accept your new status as a separated or divorced couple. In general, these ceremonies can help turn a difficult transition like divorce into an opportunity for growth and learning.
It may include some significant gestures such as writing a letter and reading it out in public, reflecting on significant moments in your relationship, identifying the good things that the relationship has given you, or making separation vows expressing your intentions for the future. An experienced celebrant will help you craft a ceremony that reflects your values as individuals, as a family, and as the couple that you once were.
“All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.” – Mitch Albom
Why hold a divorce ceremony?
There are an infinite number of reasons why you may be convinced by the idea of planning a Divorce Ceremony. The following a short list:
- understanding and forgiving each other in order to find closure in the relationship
- valuing the good things you have built together
- reassuring the people you love that you will always respect them
- promising each other, in front of the people you love, that you will continue to play a role in the future
- admitting one’s own failure and accepting the other’s
- vowing to use the experience to become a better person
- pledging to your children that family is still important to you and that their well-being is important to you.
Who would you invite to your Divorce Ceremony?
You can invite as many or as few people as you wish. One spouse may even decide to hold a ceremony without the other participating. As with all celebrant-led ceremonies, there is absolute freedom, bearing in mind that a celebrant will guide you in creating a ceremony that has meaning for you and for those present. If both former partners are present, it will be a ceremony of sharing and participation. If the ceremony is organised by only one side of the equation, the narrative will essentially focus on individual choice and the impact of that on the larger community.
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” – Victoria Holt
How would a Divorce Ceremony be structured?
After talking to the couple and understanding what the meaning of the ceremony is, the celebrant will create a draft for you to start working on together.
In the case of a divorce ceremony, it will be particularly important that the partners read the script carefully and give their consent to each step.
The ceremony may be articulated as follows:
- your celebrant welcomes the various parties and provides a context for the occasion
- an appropriate reading or piece of music
- the former-partners exchange their vows of mutual friendship and respect, and thank those who have been close to them during a difficult time
- the former-partners express their future intentions for their children
- a symbolic rite may be included
your celebrant concludes the ceremony
Possible reading for a Divorce Ceremony
Adapted from I will always be with you, by A. A. Milne
Piglet squatted down next to Winnie the Pooh:
“Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand, “I wanted to be sure of you. We will be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?”
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.
Blessing for the Brokenhearted by Jan Richardson
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
– Henry David Thoreau
Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.
Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.
Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—
as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,
as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,
as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.
The Book of Life by Gilda Radner
I wanted a perfect ending, so I sat down to write the book with the ending in place before there even was an ending. Now I’ve learned the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Like my life, this book has ambiguity. Like my life, this book is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, not knowing.
Fading Embers of Our Love – Anon.
In the twilight of our love, we stood,
As shadows lengthened and misunderstood,
The cracks that marred our once-perfect facade,
Now deep chasms in the love we had.
Divorce: the word that we must face,
A bittersweet truth we cannot erase,
Our hearts entwined, now torn apart,
A journey of healing, a brand-new start.
We walked the path with heavy hearts,
Through tears and pain, we played our parts,
To untangle the threads that bound us tight,
In the hope that someday, we’ll see the light.
The embers of our love may now burn low,
But deep within, a flicker, a hopeful glow,
For in this darkness, we’ll find our way,
To brighter skies and a brand-new day.
Some more quotes to keep in mind
The only way out is through.”
-Anonymous
“Storms make trees take deeper roots.”
-Dolly Parton
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
–Lao Tzu
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
-Maya Angelou
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
-James Baldwin
“I don’t know where I’m going but I’m on my way.”
-Carl Sandburg
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