Leaving arrangements for one’s own funeral means accepting with serenity that death is everyone’s final destination. In an act of love and generosity we can take care of everything when we are still able to decide every detail.
Pre-planning your own funeral
It is almost the end of June when I am contacted by a young man who tells me that his dad is terminally ill and that he is looking for a celebrant to conduct a non-religious funeral to celebrate his life.
The son tells me that his father is in palliative care at home, that he is perfectly lucid and aware of his situation, and, most importantly, that he has delegated his son to take charge of organizing a secular ceremony for his final farewell.
I have always been open-minded and I realize that the desire to pre-plan one’s own funeral should be completely normal but, talking to family and friends, I discovered that some people were surprised and even shocked at the idea.
The family visit
Driving to the family visit, I wonder: “Will he be there? How should I behave? What if I say something inappropriate?”
I decide that the best thing is to imagine myself in his place. We already have one thing in common, which is the desire to plan our own funeral. So I ask myself: “How would I want people to behave toward me if I were in his place?”
When I get there, I am sorry to find that he is in hospital having some tests, as I really wanted to meet him in person. I talk to the family about how to structure the ceremony and then we have a long conversation about the man’s incredibly full life and rich personality as I take notes for the eulogy.
A funeral followed by an aperitivo
The family has no idea how long we have — they give me a range of two weeks to two months — but as we prepare the ceremony, the son conveys to me his father’s precise wishes: his choices for music, who might speak, which readings he would like to include. He also chooses where he wants the ceremony to be held (a small deconsecrated church in the middle of the woods at the top of a hill, a place he loved when he was young). Finally, he asks his son to contact a caterer: after the ceremony, he would like his friends and family to toast his memory with an aperitivo.
Leaving your last dispositions is an act of love
The day after he dies, we hold the funeral. Everything is exactly what he and his family wanted.
Knowing that death is as much a part of us as life requires great strength and certitude. Leaving arrangements for one’s own funeral means, as Piero Angela recently said, accepting with serenity that death is everyone’s final destination. We can leave the decisions to family members when we are gone, or —in an act of love and generosity — we can take care of everything when we are still able to decide every detail.
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